in Mind Canvas

Recently I watched the movie “Dunkirk” and towards the movie’s end there was a dialogue wherein this guy returning from the war told the man distributing food in the dock area, “We just survived”. To which, he got a reply from the old man, “That’s more than enough”. And that reminded me of the darkest time of my life. Last year, 2016, was one of the darkest time of my life and here’s a short account of that.

dunkirk, darkest times, darkest time, my life, nikhil malankar, nikmlnkr

Movie: Dunkirk (2017)

Many a times there comes a stage in our life that breaks our back and bones and cripples us to a level that seems impossible to recover through. In dark times like these, you don’t necessarily need to fight your way out. All you need, is a little bit of patience and survival skills. I suffered through a complete breakdown last year for almost 3 months during which I was constantly in self doubt and driving people away. All the achievements till date seemed like nothing in front of this huge mountain of self doubt.

I was in depression. Many people confuse depression as being just a phase, it’s not. It’s actually a disease like any other. When you have any other disease the symptoms are pretty much known, for instance if you have jaundice your skin turns yellow, if you have cold you start sneezing and so on. But in case of depression it’s different. Symptoms of depression are shown but barely understood and so it is difficult for a person going through depression to get support from other people because truly a person who hasn’t been through this situation won’t understand it.

And as for the first paragraph’s example, going through depression is so much like fighting a war. A war with yourself. Sometimes getting up, going through the day and just surviving is like a big achievement. During times like these all you need is just a little bit of support from your close ones.

I remember driving away even the people who supported me. And looking back I realise that it didn’t really damage any of my relationships, instead it filtered out the weak ones and strengthened the good ones. I used to avoid meeting anyone, even my bestest of friends whom I had known for more than a decade because my state of mind just didn’t allow me to.

Anyway, while I was going through this mess, things started to improve slowly with time. I made sure to not take any stupid decisions like putting a stop to my life or anything like that and instead chose to survive through this darkest time. And then I started working, in whatever broken manner I could. I worked on a few projects that helped me earn money and gave a little boost to my self esteem. I got an offer to write a book which I completed and I also started working on my venture Tell Me Nothing.

After I was out of depression I realised that there was a lot more to achieve and lot more obstacles to overcome. Once I survived through the darkest time I had to go through many other hardships as well but this time I was determined to face anything that comes my way head on.

The point of this post is that no matter how hard life gets, you don’t always need to fight your way out. Just survive. This war will be over soon and life is much more beautiful on the other side that you can ever imagine. I’m sure it must be tough now, but believe me, it does get better.

And so wrapping this up I would like to thank a few people who were responsible for helping me out and to whom I’ll forever be in debt of for not giving up on me.

Obviously this list is incomplete and I am sure that I’ve missed out someone or the other but know one thing, if you have helped me in any way I am so very grateful to you. So here’s the list of people I am grateful to:

My mom, dad, sister for always being there with me and bearing me through my mood swings in the times of my depression. A few close friends who were always there when I needed them: Rahul Kanojia, Manas Chaturvedi, Parin Upadhyaya, Siddhi Jayshree Jagdish, Evita Prifti, Veronika Řezková, Rebecca, Taral Patel, Amol Mody, Prasad Kajarekar, Dinesh Iyer, Jeet Shah, Shweta Shah, Ankita Gaud, Avaneesh Sharma, Victor Fernandes, Niddhi Bajaj, Zoya Seth, Saad Mohammad, Niyati Bhat, Ritu Khetan, Amit Huddar, Komal Gaikwad, Payal Panchal, Deepra Gagneja, Larissa Dsa. A few people who helped me gain my self esteem and confidence back by taking a chance on me: Shweta Pant, Aditi Gour, Rashil Shah, Prashant Mishra and the entire team at Packt Publishing house. Shikhar Shrivastava, Mahbod Moghadam, Alejandro Rioja as well as the entire team of Tell Me Nothing for doing all the amazing work that we have done till date.

And especially for some people who loved me unconditionally and made me believe that I was an inspiration in their lives in some or the other way, I feel very grateful to you for letting me be an inspiration in your life: Prateek Sahu, Bharath Kumar, Vansh Rawal to name a few and to all of you who message me randomly on my page and making me feel loved.

Thank you all so very much for making me feel special. It is people like you who make me feel that even in times that I feel lonely, I’ll never be truly alone. And even through all of life’s hardships and problems, it is beautiful to be alone with people like you all who make life so much more amazing to experience. Thank you all so very much.

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  1. My my! I remember what it was like. You definitely come a long way. I of all, know very well how much strength it must take.


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